I have no idea how I decided to share a link with her on facebook nor do I understand why she is friends with me still. I figured she would have no interest in me since I was so fragile and emotionally insecure. A small conversation started with the length – I can tell she wanted to talk to me, but I immediately locked up due to the fact that I have not eaten and I wouldn’t be able to articulate my thoughts properly.
It startled me when I realized how conflicted I was. Memories of abuse and social isolation began to be brought up and it was evident that my emotions would cause her to not show interest. Worst of all the topic was depression and I did not know what to say over her recollection of the past which dabbed only on the surface of her childhood. I figured that a depressed person having a conversation with a severely depressed and nearly catatonic person would be unhealthy so I tried to change the subject, instead I began to say self-loathing comments such as apologizing too much and telling her about my grammatical errors.
I was so frustrated over how I made her lose interest immediately, but I loved her and I felt so comfortable saying anything to her. I love how she writes, her somewhat sassy attitude, her optimism, and how she challenges herself. I told her that I admired her hard work but I was choking over how she would perceive what I typed.
I just wish I talked to her differently. I admire her and respect her so much. I doubt she realizes my feelings for her. I mean we knew each other since 5th grade but still…..
I know that a blog isn’t a diary. I could care less about displaying my thoughts and ideas on the internet.
Anyway, I feel that I am lying to myself about showing no interest in life. I mean when I think mathematics and how it can be applied to physics and worldly scenarios it’s exhilarating how mathematics is all around the world; for instance and the sake of specificity, oscillations and waves being represented on sheet music. Its obvious but so fascinating. Another example would be bodybuilders knowing biomechanics very well or being able to form a visual representation of themselves accurately via sketches and drawing. They understand basic muscle structure and anatomy.
I will add on to this later because it’s a revelation for me: )
I am working on a poem. I am hoping i take my time with it. It will contain fient biblical allusions, a structure based on time, and so forth. It will regard the cycle of life from the perspective of man kind. I would prefer it refers to the pursuit of knowledge. I personally think that setting it up would be difficult. I try to go more in depth with struxture. (Maybe conversions of time. Like 60 lines for 1 part or something)
It was like a wheel, spinning round and about
Endlessly the cycle continued
Relapsing and almost creative.
One- twelfth way i felt a breeze it was the first day mankind was born
From Adams to Es.
It was mundane at first…..
The birth of mankind is so fragile I though
I hate how genetics play a role in society. I am human therefore I compare myself to others. I often fins that I am inferior to everyone though. I do not really have a talent or have interest in anything.
I guess this could be due to never having a role model or a parent figure in my childhood. I never had anyone to talk to about ideas a person to relate to. I didn’t have friends for so long and I spoke so little throughout my life that I might as well be labeled mute.
I feel that I am dying, that my mind is slowly rotting or that something will definitely burst out.maybe because I do not want to give thoughts or opinions because no one would understand what I would say. However, in a work place my poor articulation of my thoughts will be my downfall. It is a dismal fantasy that I wish to never live.
I guess I will have to start off with basics. Reading out loud would boost my self confidence, but I have been around so much drama and constantly defending myself that I am tired of arguing. Even just a classroom discussion will overwhelm me.
I mean when a classmate asked fir my perspective on something. I was so shocked that she asked me. I stuttered at first but I lost track of my thought. It was in that moment I forgot what I was thinking and suddenly I froze. Subconciously I told myself to avoid her question out of fear if being wrong. I was so distraught over how I can’t even phrase my perspective or even talk to the opposite sex.
I feel like an alien so much that I can’t even be human let alone a teenager. I don’t think I ever felt like a teenager, like a child. I was always a tool or always isolated.
I just wish I had friends that would last a life time. I wish I could practice communicating with people in person. If anybody is reading this please give me feedback, please so I can talk to you.
I love the attention that people give me, even if negative, through their inherently false observation. I infinitely enjoy when they project these false.observations on total strangers
Speaking of morons being foolish. I do not really understand the reasoning behind gossip. For instance, people assert that I am a homosexual or autistic. Those two labels not only show no correlation but there is no reason for someone to even produce such nonsense.
Regardless, I understand why someone has to gossip. The individuals reasoning behind the action is what bothers me. Do these people decide that they are going to just spread a false rumor about someone because I personally find it amusing. I mean they are my guinea pig. They are insecure or they were threatened or bribed to commit to such nonsense. I can’t show a callous attitude to gossip and if it was to spread to a professional workplace then I could just sue them for slander since is injuring my reputation.
Overall, I am delighted over how I am getting so much attention in college. It’s a win-win situation. 🙂