I have no idea how I decided to share a link with her on facebook nor do I understand why she is friends with me still. I figured she would have no interest in me since I was so fragile and emotionally insecure. A small conversation started with the length – I can tell she wanted to talk to me, but I immediately locked up due to the fact that I have not eaten and I wouldn’t be able to articulate my thoughts properly.
It startled me when I realized how conflicted I was. Memories of abuse and social isolation began to be brought up and it was evident that my emotions would cause her to not show interest. Worst of all the topic was depression and I did not know what to say over her recollection of the past which dabbed only on the surface of her childhood. I figured that a depressed person having a conversation with a severely depressed and nearly catatonic person would be unhealthy so I tried to change the subject, instead I began to say self-loathing comments such as apologizing too much and telling her about my grammatical errors.
I was so frustrated over how I made her lose interest immediately, but I loved her and I felt so comfortable saying anything to her. I love how she writes, her somewhat sassy attitude, her optimism, and how she challenges herself. I told her that I admired her hard work but I was choking over how she would perceive what I typed.
I just wish I talked to her differently. I admire her and respect her so much. I doubt she realizes my feelings for her. I mean we knew each other since 5th grade but still…..