I hate how genetics play a role in society. I am human therefore I compare myself to others. I often fins that I am inferior to everyone though. I do not really have a talent or have interest in anything.
I guess this could be due to never having a role model or a parent figure in my childhood. I never had anyone to talk to about ideas a person to relate to. I didn’t have friends for so long and I spoke so little throughout my life that I might as well be labeled mute.
I feel that I am dying, that my mind is slowly rotting or that something will definitely burst out.maybe because I do not want to give thoughts or opinions because no one would understand what I would say. However, in a work place my poor articulation of my thoughts will be my downfall. It is a dismal fantasy that I wish to never live.
I guess I will have to start off with basics. Reading out loud would boost my self confidence, but I have been around so much drama and constantly defending myself that I am tired of arguing. Even just a classroom discussion will overwhelm me.
I mean when a classmate asked fir my perspective on something. I was so shocked that she asked me. I stuttered at first but I lost track of my thought. It was in that moment I forgot what I was thinking and suddenly I froze. Subconciously I told myself to avoid her question out of fear if being wrong. I was so distraught over how I can’t even phrase my perspective or even talk to the opposite sex.
I feel like an alien so much that I can’t even be human let alone a teenager. I don’t think I ever felt like a teenager, like a child. I was always a tool or always isolated.
I just wish I had friends that would last a life time. I wish I could practice communicating with people in person. If anybody is reading this please give me feedback, please so I can talk to you.